Learning to Love Me!!

Well finally I decided to do a blog!! Is it a therapy session for myself or will it help others only time will tell!!

Me!! Well I'm just an ordinary 43 year old mum with 2 spawns.  Yes you've read it right Spawns that's what they are fondly know as throughout my circle of friends.  Spawn 1 she's 13 (and don't I know it) and Spawn 2 he's 9 (and more hormonal than the 13yr old) Yip that's us below, although we all look slightly different from when these were taken!

Well heres' me now.  Usually very camera shy as those who know me well will tell you.  So I thought I'd take a couple of little pics with my little feathery hat and new glasses on :)

I little bit of an indication of who I am! Lets say that things weren't all a bed of roses growing up.  My mum brought 4 of us up on her own as my dad left when I was 11.  Never paid a penny to my mum for the up keep of us, and then he wondered why we never had anything really to do with him!!  Don't get me wrong mum wasn't such an angel to live with either but I love my little Oompa Loompa warts n all.  My grandparents helped a lot with our up bringing, and they where and always will be my true heroes especially my granddad. There isn't a day goes by without me missing him,  My Gran was a very strong willed person who came from a line of strong females, they were who and what kept the families together.  Although she wasn't a very affectionate person we all knew she loved us dearly.  We only got a kiss off her when she got dementia lol.  Which unfortunately explains why both my eldest brother and me and to all accounts some of my cousins can't always show our affectionate side to people,  But it doesn't mean we don't love anyone we just have a hard time showing it.  But hurt one of ours and we'll be there in a flash to defend you.  And that goes for my friends as well, as I will always defend them to the end as they have kept me sane when things have been very bad.  Well here are the grandparents, starting with my great grandmother, then my gran and granddad :) 

Well you may ask where all this is leading.  Of late I have been in a very dark place.  And at times I wished the world would stop, so that I could get off!! During my teenage years and the years that ensued, I suffered with eating disorders, depression and postnatal depression.  Not very good places to be in.  But being the person that I am, carried on with a smile on my face whilst crying inside and hurting.  Whilst with the father of my spawns for 10 long years I was constantly told that I was "FAT, STUPID & UGLY," words that rang in my ears for years.  I was also told "I was a crap mother, couldn't do anything right" and constantly ridiculed in front of family and friends.  To the point where I no longer laughed or smiled!! Feeling worthless and inadequate took it's toll!!  So last year I took the plunge and went for counselling which went brilliantly and for once I realised I'm not a bad person, yeah still might not be completely happy with how I look but hey there's only me who can do something about that.  I might not be the most conventional of mum's but my spawns know that I'm always there for them and I'll always have their backs.  

So we go back to this dark place I've been once again.  The old voices and nagging thoughts returned, and I'll let them get a grip on me.  The last few days I've read blogs by some of the wonderful ladies, that I have met on Twitter, Facebook, etc (Betty Bee, The Rockabilly Girl Next Door, The Agoraphobic Fashionista   to name a few) and they have helped me to decided to write this.  As they are all very inspiring ladies and I love all of their blogs :) 

The Dreaded New Years Resolution!!

Well here's what I've decided is going to happen in 2013, and I'm being realistic, it's not going to happen overnight!! I'm not going to set myself the usual unrealistic goals that I always fail at.  And that's because I set myself up to fail!! Because I expect too much from myself because I was always told I was no good, so I've always strived for perfection.  Instead of looking at it well at least I gave it a go, it didn't quite work out how I wanted it to but I gave it my best shot!! And that's the difference. So here are my rules for next year 2013

• First and foremost learn to love and like me!! And be happy with who I am and what I am.  I now know that I'm not meant to be skinny that's not how my body is made.  I am meant to be curvy, yes I want to loose a little weight and to tone up.  But I am not setting myself stupid goals that I've got to loose 3-4 stone in one go!! Little steps so that the eating/weight control does not control me, I CONTROL IT!!
• Stop being so hard on myself, if I do something and it goes wrong it's not the end of the world!! We make mistakes we are human!! As I am my own worst critic.
• To tell others that I run round after.  That if I need a break and rest I'm having one.  When I say No it means No.  You will have to wait until I have recharged by batteries then I will see to you all!!
• I will stop smoking, not because everyone says I have to. Because I want to!! And yes I do want to give it up as it's not a nice habit, I don't enjoy it.  But I will know when the time is right not when others preach at me!!
• Organise my time more efficiently, then this will leave me time to myself to learn new things.  Like sewing and making cup cakes!! Yip I want to learn how to make wonderful cup cakes.  As I can make pastry and bread but the cakes have beaten me up to now haha.
•  Last but not least learning to be happy with my little lot in life.  I've not got it as  hard as some have, and I've got more than most

So that's all for now.  You never know I may take you down some more roads in my life.  But for now I think that this will do :)

Happy New Year Everyone and All the Best for 2012

Dawnie xxx